I Confess
by FightfortheLost
Summary: Why Hawke was decided to wait for Fenris for three years...Fem!HawkexFenris friendmance angst and fluff


I Confess

The Chantry was one of the quiet places that Hawke had started coming to read. Those confessional boxes were quiet, private, darkly lit. Most importantly, when she was here, no one else would know. Sebastian had allotted her this box to use as she saw fit and he always put a sign on the door when she was in there so she wouldn't end up hearing the sordid details of someone's life.

Needless to say, it came as a surprise when the other side of the confessional opened and slammed shut. She jumped, turning towards the screen. It surprised her to see very pale hair through the screen. She covered her mouth to prevent her from speaking and leaned back, hiding in the box, hoping he wouldn't try too hard to see who was on the other side.

From her angle, she could see him leaning with his elbows on his knees. He seemed agitated, frustrated. Angry. He was silent for a long time, his hands laced together, his forehead resting against his knuckles. "I have never done this," he said after a long moment. "However I feel as though I must."

She closed her eyes, hearing the pain in his voice. It reminded her of that night. The night he had come to her, made love to her, and then left her just as suddenly. Her heart had broken that night and she'd been avoiding her ever since. She almost said something, but as she opened her mouth, he sighed and she saw his shoulders slump.

"I have...hurt a woman," he said quietly. She watched as he pushed a hand through his hair with a violence that surprised her. "She has done nothing but help me, has...loved me despite who and what I am. And I walked away from her..." His hands were pressed against his face, his breaths harsh. "She has taught me much, things I did not know about people...about life and I betrayed her. She opened herself up to me..."

She wanted to stop him, but didn't know how, not without letting him know she was here, not without humiliating him. Tears filled her eyes and spilled forward and she pressed her hand against her mouth. She sat there, listening in silence as he bared the wounds to his heart.

"She deserves someone else, someone better. It would be my own fault. I deserve it for walking away from her..." His breath hitched and it reminded her of when he was talking about his memories that night. She squeezed her hands tightly, biting her lower lip, feeling her teeth cutting into her skin. The pain helped her focus, kept her from running to him.

He was quiet for a long time. "She has been avoiding me. Before I walked away, I went everywhere with her, she would come and talk to me at the mansion, nearly every week." He seemed so despondent and she suddenly felt horrible. He was right. She'd been avoiding him, but obviously not for the reasons he thought. She took an unsteady breath, blinking back the tears. "I...have lost her. It's nothing more than I deserve after hurting her..."

He paused, glaring at the dividing screen. "Aren't you supposed to offer penance or something? Something that I might do to absolve myself from this guilt and pain?"

She wanted to go to him, to tell him that she did not hold it against him. She pressed her hands against her eyes, trying to stem the flow of tears, her nails biting into her scalp. She couldn't do it here. Not now. He would be angry that she'd listened in silence, that she'd heard his broken confession.

He swore viciously in Arcanum, standing and suddenly he was leaving the booth. She crumpled forward as the door slammed shut behind him and she finally let out a whimpered sob. "Fenris..."

She wasn't certain how long she sat there, crying. Eventually, Sebastian came and found her, his bright blue eyes concerned. "Hawke, whatever is the matter?"

She shook her head, drying her face. "It's nothing," she said quietly. She gave a sad smile, and looked down at the book in her hands. "I'm just an idiot." She headed towards the door, still smiling. Once she left, her feet took her up the nearby stairs, to the Mansion Fenris was in. She stared at the door, taking a deep breath. He needed to know that she could forgive him for walking away.

Finally, she pushed the door open, wishing she'd had a drink at a tavern before coming here. She was shaking, frightened. She didn't want to face his anger or see coldness in his gaze. It was why she'd avoided coming here until now. But she was hurting him. That wasn't fair of her.

So she crossed the foyer, ascended the stairs and stood at the doorway, seeing him staring into the fire, a bottle of wine in his grasp. Gently, she tapped at the door, even though it was open. He jumped as though startled, whirling on her, his markings briefly flaring up, illuminating him. She knew when he recognized her, because just as quickly, the blue glow vanished and he was staring at her.

He looked surprised to see her, and after what he'd said, she wasn't surprised. She hesitated at the door, just looking at him, her hands shaking. "May I come in?"

His lips curled faintly, but it was a poor parody of the other smiles he'd given her. "If you wish," he said, leaning back in the chair and going back to staring into the fire. He'd gone emotionless. It was as though he were bracing himself.

She sat down on the bench near him, looking at the book in her hands. "I'm sorry," she said quietly.

He lowered his head, his hair shielding his eyes. "Why are you apologizing? What offense do you think you've caused me?"

She watched as he lifted the bottle, drinking deeply from it. As he lowered it, she reached forward, taking it from him and setting it away. He glared at her, but she just looked at him, putting her emotions in his eyes. "I offered to teach you to read, and I've been letting my...personal problems get in the way." Surprise flashed in his eyes and he seemed to sit up more straight.

"Hawke?"

She lowered her head. "I was...thinking tonight. You're my friend. Even if...even if you don't-" she swallowed back a sob. "Even if we're not...together like that, it's not a reason to avoid you." She squeezed her eyes shut, forcing herself to breath. "So I'm sorry."

A hand, clad in leather and metal, came to rest against her face and she lifted her gaze, finding Fenris looking down at her, his eyes filled with pain. "Don't," he said quietly, his voice rough from emotion. "Do not apologize for something that is understandable." The tone was so similar to the one he used when he was explaining the memories that night it caused her heart to ache in sympathy.

She stood and he backed away slightly, seeming to avoid contact with her. She looked him in the eye, searching them for a long moment. She ached to touch him, but she wasn't certain she could trust herself. "Fenris," she said quietly. "I have to." His face twisted and he started to turn away from her so she lifted her hand, touching the side of his face, preventing the movement. "You were my friend before you came to my bed. I...pushed you too hard. I acted like a spurned lover instead of a friend. I'm sorry, Fenris." His eyes were locked with hers and there was confusion in them.

She stepped back after a moment, letting her hand fall to her side. Still, their eyes were locked together. It was nearly impossible to pull her eyes away from him. His expression was changing, from confusion to...something else. Something close to hope. Then, without a word, he moved, pulling her against his chest and hugging the air from her lungs. His face was pressed against her neck, and she felt him trembling slightly. She was surprised to find herself here, but she slowly lifted her arms, resting them lightly against his back as she rested her cheek on his shoulder, closing her eyes.

They didn't speak, just standing there, holding each other tightly. Eventually, he backed away, looking resigned and smiling faintly. "Stubborn woman," he said in a voice that was laced with exasperation and perhaps affection.

She smiled at him in return, noticing faintly that his hand had taken hers, was holding it gently. "Perhaps a bit," she allowed. But if being stubborn and not letting him go was what it took to keep him, then that's what she'd do.

She would wait as long as it took.


End file.
